“Happy is the heart that still feels pain”
from “Everybody” by Ingrid Michaelson

When we close our hearts to ourselves
Your heart center feels deeply whatever is going on within and around you. It is a dynamic energy center, opening and closing to allow or reduce the flow of energy (and awareness).

When we experience pain or hurt, one way to escape the uncomfortable feeling is to close the heart. We do this unconsciously out of habit. It’s common in our culture as a learned way of dealing with pain. But you can also choose to consciously hold the heart open during difficult experiences. When you do this you open to transform, connect, and even flourish in the face of pain.

For example, when going through the grief of losing a loved one, if you can hold your heart open through the experience you will learn, grow, and develop depth of connection with yourself and your loved ones. These types of growth experience are what change our lives. 

However when you close your heart to yourself, difficult situations can turn into experiences of apathy, isolation, depression, or desperation. 

Think about a difficult situation in which you or the people around you were closed and disconnected. (Some of us may experience this commonly at home or at work!) Then think of a situation where you or the people around you were open to feeling and connecting through the process. Which one was more fulfilling? More transformative? Which one was more painful?

Making the choice
Although we reference the heart fondly in our culture, we don’t get much instruction or explicit role modeling on how to embrace life through the heart. In some circles, having an open heart might be seen as weak. Or for those of us who have been hurt and learned to shut down, it may even be seen as stupid or careless.

How do you change this pattern? First, be open to the concept that the pain of an open heart is much less than the pain of a closed heart. Then the challenge becomes more internal—how do we keep our hearts open in face of our own self-judgment?

When things are going well and outer life reinforces our idealized self-image, we tend to feel more open. But when we experience failure, rejection, or loneliness the tendency is to close the heart to self to avoid seeing and feeling what does not match our self-image. As a consequence, we disconnect from self and from intuitive awareness.

When we say someone is bitter or hardened, we are referring to their long-standing choice to close their heart in reaction to some experience. We can intuitively feel how they have shut down the connection and flow in their life. It becomes hard to relate to them. It may even feel unhealthy to be around them. You might have been one of these people at some point in your life. Bitterness in its extreme state reveals what is happening on a more subtle level when we close our hearts temporarily. We are actually cutting off our life force.

Which comes first, the pain or the closing?
So you might say, “When I feel hurt or angry, my heart just naturally closes. It’s hard to help it.” But which really comes first—the ongoing hurt or the heart closing? If you become aware in the moment and choose to keep your heart open, you will feel the hurt but it will continue to flow through without shutting you down. Your energy will expand and your experience can be different.

The heart center
Oh, the heart--an amazingly loyal organ whose steady beat reminds us we are alive. However, when we say, “follow your heart” or “open your heart,” we’re no longer referring to the physical heart. Rather, we are perceiving the energetic heart center that is located in the area of the chest. If you are familiar with the eastern chakra system, the heart center is known as the fourth chakra or heart chakra.

The heart chakra is the center of compassion, love, and connection to self and others. Self-connection is a prerequisite for intuitive awareness, so if you want to grow your intuition, growing your heart connection is a good place to begin.

The heart is sensitive—it feels deeply and these feelings carry information. At the same time the heart is strong and associated with courage and bravery. As a result, open-hearted self-connection allows you to be intuitive, strong, and loving.

What does an open-hearted person look like?
We may associate an open heart with feelings of joy, happiness, playfulness, and fun. While all of these are true and wonderful, there is much more. A person who is committed to living with an open heart will also experience painful feelings, because when the heart is open it’s feeling all that happens in the moment. The more open you are, the more you will feel.

The heart governs our abilities of acceptance, connection, and compassion. So the heart’s role is to enable acceptance of all experiences. All heart-based feelings have value and purpose.

An open-hearted person may look kind and gentle in one situation, but fierce and determined in another. Having an open heart does not make you a push over. Quite the opposite, heart connection gives you access to your personal truth and the resources to manifest it in the world.

Think of leaders who have changed the world. Martin Luther King, Jr. is one of my favorite examples. The path he walked, the commitments he made, and the strength they required were fueled by deep connection to his truth at the heart level. To truly manifest your purpose and your full expression in the world requires your heart. We express this intuitively when we say things like “it’s not for the faint of heart.”

When we are struggling to be decisive and when choices are difficult and unclear, we are told, “follow your heart.” When you are learning to open and follow your heart, it helps to learn how to physically connect to and experience your energetic heart in your body. Try these steps to practice.

    Heart Connection Meditation

1. Sit quietly. Take several deep breaths to relax your body. Close your eyes.
2. Focus your attention on your heart center: the area of your chest behind your sternum.
3. Follow each breathe into your lungs, allowing the breath to soften and awaken your heart center. 
4. Continue this focused breathing for one to five minutes. Allow your heart to open to yourself as much as you are ready to at this time. Gently notice the sensations and emotions, noticing and letting go of any judgment that might come up.
5. End with a smile to yourself. Then go say hello to a friend, neighbor, or loved one.